Work and play

When I accepted the job in June I was trying things out, so when I signed the contract it must have felt like a breeze. I've been doing a lot of tests these days about myself, one of which is whether I could last not using Facebook for a day. It was a success for two weeks until I had to sign in to contact someone, and then there were periods of these, from activating to deactivating, it feels just like wearing new clothes or smarting a grin at times like these.

Then I started losing my temper over things. I lost my phone for three days and found it in my bag, and many times I just couldn't locate where things where, when they usually are bundled together out of habit: my wallet, my cellphone, a thick bracelet made of hemp. These were symptoms.

Night shift is wearing me out. I've probably gained twenty pounds from my former self in college. I've been peeling the skin off my lips lately. There is no way I could finish a book in three months (!!!) and I feel like I could use a cry or take a day off today, but I can't. Good news seemed scarce these days. I've tried doing carrot smoothies in the morning, sleeping in the dark attic, biking, reading RSS feeds via Reeder during commutes (which almost always leaves me nauseous), but it's just not working. The acupuncture helped, but it's the night shift lifestyle: disrupted circadian rhythms, memory loss, feelings of disconnectedness. I used to juggle films, books and music, but all three have come tumbling down, and I feel empty-handed.

Just two days ago I knew I wasn't contented. No epiphanies. Maybe there is, but I couldn't remember. Well, I've always joked about the work environment to my colleagues, but the joke becomes true after a while: it's becoming competitive, and I can feel the strain of it. Some of us liked what we are doing, but some of us don't. During my first few months they asked me what made me think of getting the job. I said I don't know: it's a stepping stone, perhaps, and the salary's too good for a first job. They knew I graduated from a good university, and they knew I wasn't the right fit for the job.

I feel like this blog is becoming a distant friend, too, for there were tons of other things I haven't disclosed in this blog. Maybe some other time, with the right beer, or the right book.